Almost two weeks have passed since my last blog post. At that time, I was on the Ile de Ré and had just registered for the Limpopo Field Guide Safari training.

Administrative Hurdles

Since then, a lot has happened. I’ve begun to realize the extent of administrative work required for a student visa in South Africa:

– A medical certificate
– Vaccines
– Letters from the training institution
– Proof of Spanish residency
– Financial documentation
– Photos
– Sometimes a radiology report
– Flight reservations
– Health insurance
– Certified copy of my identity documents

All must be in English and translated by a sworn translator.

As a Spanish resident with French citizenship, I have the option to apply at either the South African embassy in Paris or Madrid. After comparing both, it’s obvious that the requirements from Spain are easier, with fewer documents to provide and shorter processing times: 2 months instead of 3, with earlier appointments. (I am not so sure it was the best decision but let’s save this for later)

This administrative mess has kept me awake at night
I was trying to find solutions during my sleep. Trying to gather all the documents already.

All of this includes risks.

I may not obtain the visa despite my financial commitment towards the academy and the already booked flights.

I am holding onto belief as if the visa were already in my pocket. With all I’ve invested, it cannot just stop with the first administrative hurdle. I will be doing my best. Flights are booked, and I’ve initiated the payment schedule for the training institution.

My Program in 2024

I’ve also begun to define my overall plan.

Starting June 1st, right after the Flors Festival, I’ll spend one and a half months volunteering in Namibia with EHRA (Elephant-Human Relations Aid), with a schedule of two weeks: a build week constructing walls to protect water points and crops from elephants, and a patrol week observing elephant herds in their natural environment.

It was a plan from Ch., a recommendation and a good one.

I have been talking to past volunteers to get their feedback.

C. shared with me that it was the most amazing experience she has lived. She participated in many volunteering stays and clearly this one was the best. Hard but really rewarding. She is even planning on coming back for 3 months this year starting in June 2024. We will see each other then.

L. has done it 14 years ago and she has come back, she has seen the evolution of the association and has a very good memory of her stay and experience. She is recommending it.

Li. shared with me a lot of practical details about the experience and enjoyed it a lot.

All of them women. Some very young with much more experience than I have ever had.

A point of jealousy, I admit.

Why did it take me so long to realize, to act upon, and to follow my dreams?

It takes some courage to get there and the more possessions you have accumulated, the higher the position or the salary is, the harder it is. Not counting on the other parameters : having a family, some children, some debts…

Here is the link of the association for the curious ones.
Volunteer with Elephants in Namibia, Africa | Elephant-Human Relations Aid

After Namibia, I plan to continue with 5.5 months of Field Guide training in South Africa at the Limpopo Field Guiding Academy,

This will be followed by a month of tourism in South Africa, with no fixed plans.

It’s my first time allowing such spontaneity and embracing uncertainty.
See where life will get me, what opportunities it may bring. I am scared obviously but I have some time to see it coming and maybe my old habit of planning will come back.

What about my flat ?

One important question remains: What will I do with my flat?

It’s not an easy decision. It feels like a crossroad for me. Like in that movie called “Les tourbillons de la vie” or “smoking or not smoking”. A decision that can shape one’s life in different ways.

Initially, I considered subletting it to trusted friends, keeping it for my return. However, finding suitable tenants has proven challenging. I have sent some messages to friends in case somebody could be interested. Nothing really happened, I got some contacts but neither the dates nor the price of the rent were matching.

Why is the decision so difficult ?

After all, it is just a nice place to live. I am in a nice seaside town, capital of LGBTQ community in some way, but not only. It has easy access to nice walking paths towards Vilanova i la Geltru, in the Garraf natural park, towards the buddhist temple and nice miradors. My preferred activity by far.

The Mediterranean sea is really beautiful on top of that. It can be wild. I have never imagined it that way, I have always thought about the Mediterranean Sea as a boring and calm sea. It is not the case at all. I can enjoy its changes and versatility everyday. It is breathtaking and clearly some sightseeing I will miss. I am trying to enjoy and get a glimpse of it everyday, like when I moved away from Paris and I tried to make the most of it before coming to Barcelona. Until I was in Barcelona and thrilled with my decision.

Living by the sea also brings to mind a poem by Charles Baudelaire, shared with me by my friend St., particularly the first two verses, which resonate deeply.

L´homme et la mer

Homme libre, toujours tu chériras la mer !
La mer est ton miroir ; tu contemples ton âme
Dans le déroulement infini de sa lame,
Et ton esprit n’est pas un gouffre moins amer.

Tu te plais à plonger au sein de ton image ;
Tu l’embrasses des yeux et des bras, et ton coeur
Se distrait quelquefois de sa propre rumeur
Au bruit de cette plainte indomptable et sauvage.

[…]

I found similar concepts in the Rick Rubin book; The Creative Act: A way of Being.

Nature as a Teacher

There’s a reason we are drawn
to gazing at the ocean.
It is said the ocean provides
a closer reflection of who
we are than any mirror.

Nevertheless, it feels like I am giving up a part of what I have been able to build over time. With all the investments and time spent at work, I have managed to reach a lifestyle that closely mirrors my dream except I was not blooming in my job.

It all began when I relocated to Barcelona, getting closer to the sea, embracing the delightful weather and the Spanish culture I love. The dream got closer when I settled in Sitges. I could witness the sunrise by the sea, swim in the morning (until the jellyfish appeared) and enjoy maritime walks.

I have a nice garden I enjoy taking care of. I have an interior that resembles me, literally a jungle with all the plants that have been following, and for some of them, for decades, wildlife photos, African art artifacts, my modest library…

Yet, it also carries a mental burden, what if something goes wrong? While it may sound paranoid, my time here has been punctuated by incidents: two water leaks from neighboring flats, a robbery on New Year’s Eve (an uncommon occurrence in this area)… Life has shown me that, living in my current flat, is not a calm and long river (a French expression).

Notwithstanding its financial cost.

My flat is far from being perfect (humidity, legions of mosquitos, chilly nights, outdated electricity, a lot of quirks). My landlord shows little interest in improving the property, as he hasn’t repaired the air conditioning nor taken care of the water leak damages.

A journey to Freedom

Having no base will give me the freedom I need; allowing me to choose whatever the universe will bring to me, being wherever I want to be. The freedom I am seeking and craving for.

I have done some meditation, seeing where my inner self is guiding me to, feeling the decision. As in broad daylight. The choice is clearly letting my flat go and leaving all my belongings behind. Fortunately, my brother has offered to store them in France. A chance. I will give my plants to friends and as many things as I can. I do not need much. Being as light as possible, embracing a minimalist lifestyle.

It’s taken considerable time to arrive at this decision; but now my landlord is informed. It is simply a matter of executing the plan, renting a utility vehicle, finding the right weekend, coordinating with friends, distributing my belongings, sorting the necessary from the nice to have…

Emotions Rollercoaster

Emotions are a challenge to navigate, particularly for someone like me.

With 2.5 months until departure, I had hoped for a period of rest and relaxation, but that seems unlikely given the circumstances and my preferences. I thought I was busy before due to work. I am clearly the one creating my own schedule and allowing me rare breaks.

I have already established a busy schedule to see my family and friends before heading to Africa. I am not going to see them for quite some time, as if I am leaving for a long and undefined period (?!). I have the opportunity and the time to make it happen now and handle everything at the same time: Organizing the Flors Festival, Vacating my flat, Moving my belongings to France, Obtaining my visa, Cherishing the moments with my loved ones, taking the opportunity to embrace life to the fullest.

It’s an ambitious program, but one I’m eager to undertake.

The time is going to fly. It already is. It takes my breath away sometimes. It feels like I’m suffocating in a half-empty glass. I hate it. I am overwhelmed by all the tasks necessary to embark on this new path. I know I need to take it step by step, trying not to get an overview of the mountain of tasks in front of me, not being frozen by its vastness.

I was sick for 3 weeks, with fever and a cough. It only added to the overwhelming feeling. When I’m tired, everything is tainted in black, and doubts creep in: Have I made the right choices?… Lack of confidence sometimes. Not always successful in patting myself on the back, welcoming my fears, and thanking them for bringing awareness to me.

I also dream at night. I am processing. The other night, I dreamt of the hamster I had when I was little. As nature would have it, my hamsters copulated and had a huge litter: 12 of them. I tried hard to find people to adopt them. I found only one person. That day, I went back home with her to discover that out of all the babies I had, there was only one left: the survivor, the strongest. It slaughtered all its siblings. My parents cleaned the cage before I came, so I haven’t seen the horror show. I dreamt that I was this survivor, this slaughterer in survival mode.

I also dreamt I was about to miss my flight to Namibia. I was in the queue on time but I wanted to do something before, to get things perfect. We say in French, “le mieux est l’ennemi du bien,” which translates to “Trying to do it better is a threat to doing it well.” So I got out of the queue and couldn’t find a way to get back on the right track, with a lot of endeavors happening to me and preventing me from getting there. So stressful. Panting.

Dreams may be just dreams, but they often feel incredibly real.

Photo : Laurent Boucher